just breathe
but this is where i would drain about this kind of stuff. so once again i find myself here in front of this computer with the same thoughts rushing through my mind that i always used to have. i never wanted to feel like this again.. but here i am.
things come out as words. words with no emmotional attachment or meaning. i can tell the story repeatedly and nothing hurts.. i feel absolutely nothing. but when i sit in my room and actually say your name to myself i cant help but feel everything. things no one should ever have to feel.
i miss you so much.
i miss everything about you. i miss your smile, the face you would make when you were trying so so hard not to laugh at me when you were pretending to be mad. the face you would make when i said “im happy” …you would literally light up. the way you would play with my hair and smell it. when i would come to school with absolutely no make up on and my hair not touched (considering i straightened my hair every day sophomore year and wore so so much makeup) and you would smile and tell me i looked stunning. the way your hand felt in mine, or when you would rub my shoulders to calm me down. i miss the smell of your hands as weird as that sounds.. they always smelt like coconut.. maybe thats why i love coconut smelling stuff now. i miss the way you would show up at my house completely unannounced. your goodnight calls when you would be washing dishes and i would be brushing my teeth. the way you always made me say goodnight to the girls too. i miss your goodmorning calls when i wouldnt text you by 6:30 youd wake me up by calling repeatedly till i answered. i miss how we would stare at each other the entire way down the hall coming from opposite directions. when i was with you literally nothing else mattered. thats the truth.i didnt care what anyone else said or thought or questioned or believed because when i was with you everything made sense, and at the same time nothing made sense. how could we literally become that close in just months. how did you make me have the ability to realize i could tell you anything? how did you literally walk into my life and show me everything i needed to see? how did i get so unbelievably blessed? i miss our pinky promises. i miss our daily arguments. i miss you taking my phone for entire days in exchange for yours.. so that i wouldnt text during school. except the funny part was we would just be texting each other from one anothers phones. i miss changing your signature and you wouldnt notice until someone pointed it out. i miss how your mom always thought we were dating. i miss how everyone except us thought we were dating. i miss our relationship because it is literally unlike anything i have ever known. i miss your laugh.. because it was so rare that you would just crack up laughing. i miss your piggy backs and your hugs. i miss calling you at 4 am because i had a nightmare and couldnt sleep. i miss the way you literally made me feel invinceable… so protected, so secure, so safe, so loved. i miss the side of me only you have been able to bring out. the one that lets every single wall come crashing down to the floor..being completely vulnerable. and i miss how i could do the same for you. i miss all your secrets that you never shared with anyone else. and i miss being able to share the ones i would never tell anyone else. i miss knowing that no matter where life took us, WE would never change.
and i guess you could say we havent. but then again..everything has changed. and there is one promise we have broken. because you wont be at senior prom with me. and that absolutely makes me furious.
i will love you forever, and that is the one thing that will never change.
“And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won’t pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here”
letting go.
because you absolutely are not worth it anymore.
one day i will happy. without you.
i wish real life ended like fairy tales. or like books. or movies. instead of finding out that everything you believed in about love is a complete lie. and that everything that proved to you that it was right..really meant nothing. and that in reality, you arent the one.
but most importantly, you are not at all who i thought you were. and that is the hardest thing to accept.
